Realities

Lately, I've been hit with some serious life realities.

I'm about to have a birthday bringing me two years closer to 30, and life just gets more and more real. I cringe at the thought of when I was an annoying high school graduate/self declared know-it-all. It really is true that the older you get, the more you realize you don't know much of anything, and I've got a long way to go still. Watching the realities of old age, life failures, sinfulness and depravity and not being able to change any of it can be extremely depressing and bring a want for numbness and disconnect.

But isn't it those moments of life, the ones that bring tears, tension, fear, and even pain, the moments where God shines?

It's amazing what happens to my insides when the realities come and I forget to talk to the only one who can bring peace. I internalize and process everything in my usual, analytical and tactful way and try to come up with answers and solutions. It's how I'm wired, so it seems normal to me to jump into fix-it mode and stay there until the world is right side up again. I come up with methods and ideas, dig into ways to bring about truth and justice, but always seem to wait until I'm exhausted (usually emotionally, mentally and physically) to ask for help. It's a cycle I've been in for so long that it's the first resort, the habit and the norm.

I love and serve a God who is good. He is faithful, trustworthy, and completely capable of handling all the daily realities that send my insides into high gear and want to perfect the crazy hitches I run into. Just because He created me to be this sort of person does not mean that He intended me to be a Miss Fix-it, perfectionist, organizational lunatic all by myself. He created me this way so I could walk with Him and use my gifts in productive ways for the Kingdom, not take away years from my life by adding stress and sleep deprivation.

Now, if only I could remember this stuff during the attack of major realities, instead of hours (and sometimes days) later. I guess admittance is the first step...

And now it's time to pray.

:)